Monday, October 17, 2016
We're all entitled to one existential crisis every 20 years or so, right?
And so on Friday afternoon, I was here in my office questioning my decision to ever get involved in teaching. Why? Let me count the ways...
It does not come naturally to me. I have had to work for YEARS AND YEARS to become comfortable up in front of a group of people and able to speak. And by years and years, I mean DECADES. Even after all this time, I still get incredibly nervous, such that I am compelled to take specific secretive actions to mask that anxiety for every class that I teach. I am a sensitive person, and very apt to have my feelings hurt via thoughtless words and actions by others, and this is also not a good combination with teaching 18 year olds. I do think that I do a good job making the material understandable and (to the extent it is possible :0) interesting, so there's that. I'm also naturally a kind and empathetic person who can set others at ease. I suppose that is a good quality in a teacher, but it also means that you set yourself up to be taken advantage of.
So...that's where I'm at right now. Meaning:
Current emotional state: Longing To Be Cataloger Who Hides In Basement With Stack Of Books. Toss Cup Of Coffee Down Occasionally To Assure That Aforementioned Cataloger Still Breathes.
Circling back to Friday... I had one outstanding class that afternoon, but my last one of the day tested every iota of strength I had in my body to keep it together. I couldn't help but think:
"Is this really what I should be doing with my life? Would something else be better?"
The grass is always greener on the other side, yes? I know that. But I also know that I'm miserably unhappy at work right now, and that the toll on my emotional and physical health is very real this semester. This isn't good for me. But should I stick it out to see if it gets better? Yes and no.
Yes, in that I made a commitment, and my team needs me for the spring. So, yes, I'll do that. But long term? I'll be honest, I don't know. Maybe something else would be a better fit. I didn't think it would get to this point, but it officially has. I'm keeping my eye out for clues as to what I should do. That's not a quick process, and that's fine. The 54 day rosary novena is going to come at an excellent time for me.
I wish I could be more uplifting this Monday, but I always keep it real here. I did have an outstanding weekend at home, taking the kids to a pumpkin patch and watching my honey in his latest play. You all know how I feel about THAT scintillating part of my husband's creative life. *simpers with happiness* I am tremendously grateful for that part of my life. Tomorrow we can talk about things we are grateful for this fall, how does that sound? It might be an early INSPIRE kind of week. :0