Monday, May 11, 2015

Spiritual dryness &...I'll just say it: general emotional crises :0

Good morning to you all! It's Monday, and I usually write posts about the previous Sunday's liturgy and my experience at Mass. And, well, as you can see, I'm not doing that today. Nor did I bother to snap an image that would work perfectly (I hope?!) with my post for today. Today I just felt like writing, and indeed writing about what is on my mind. So I am. And here you are. :)

Last month I started the path to Marian consecration via 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley. I LOVE this book, the entries are so relatable and interesting. And my consecration day is now nearly upon me, this coming Wednesday, May 13th, the feast of Our Lady of Fatima. And what this has to do with the topic of this post is that I'm rather wondering if the struggles I've been experiencing lately have to do with the closeness of this holy commitment. Evil one lurking?

*ominous music plays*


At any rate, I've felt all out of sorts. Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I was in tears practically the entire day. I just didn't feel like myself. And can I just say that Mother's Day is frequently like this for me? Bad Mother's Day mojo, man. I've clearly pissed off the Mother's Day Official Party Police or what have you. My very first Mother's Day after I had Henry?

*Tiffany walks bleary-eyed into restaurant for brunch*

"Hi Honey!"

It's my parents.

*Tiffany immediately bursts into tears*

"Oh no, what's wrong?!"

"I forgot your card! I'm such a horrible person! And I'm just so...TIRED!"

Not sleeping through an entire night for a *year* will really turn a person into a whimpering shell of their former selves, can I get an Amen?

A-freaking-MEN, friends!

All righty then, back to the diatribe on my fragile mental state. ;-) Prayer feels incredibly dry lately, like I'm just talking to a wall. I feel rather anxious and easily upset. As if I need to be even *more* sensitive than I already am by God-given personality?!

Good heavens.

I don't know what the heck is going on. We'll just blame hormones, that seems fairly convenient. Anne's 4th birthday is exactly one week away, THAT MUST BE IT! Ladies, let's all grab pitch forks and protest our fate of the Reign Of Estrogen in our lives! :0

Just keeping it real, as I always strive to do. I'm certain that it will pass, but in the mean time I've been doing a lot of thinking. My little mind has been all aswirl (spell check is telling me that this isn't a word, but I'm pointedly ignoring it) about my creative life and what I want out of it. Obviously, I want to feel fulfilled. I want to enjoy how I spend my creative time. I do enjoy writing, and I've always loved keeping this blog. Lately though, I've felt a bit like I'm spinning my wheels. I have all of these different things that I like to write about (faith, marriage and parenthood, dance, librarianship) and is that even working anymore? I've been doing this now for nearly 7 years, and is it time for a change? I don't know the answer to that question, but the fact that I'm thinking about it is somewhat telling, I suppose.

When I wrote that post last week about thinking on some new ideas and awaiting inspiration, Melanie responded with something that really meant a lot to me. Melanie, I hope you don't mind me singling you out like this, but your comment just about brought tears to my eyes, and making the librarian cry means you get singled out. :0

Melanie said that although she originally found and read my blog for the posts on Catholic books and librarianship, she has stayed and reads all of my posts, even on other topics because: " make everyday events interesting." That just...really made my day, thank you. :)

Because that is all I have ever wanted to do, and that is what I personally like to read. Everyday events, made interesting. I hardly think a cameraman following me around all day as I went about straightening my hair and readying for work, reading Amish fiction while I eat my morning yogurt, sitting in my office, sitting at the reference desk, driving home and listening to podcasts, and then yelling "STOP IT!" towards my children as they fight while I cook dinner, would find my life particularly scintillating. But when you write, you can flesh out the funny little things that we can all relate to. That's really why I started this blog.

So, all of this to say that I don't know where I'm going from here. Maybe I just need a fresh blog redesign? Who knows. I'll still be here, and I'll keep you informed. Perhaps I'll experiment with some new types of posts (a video post every week?) or otherwise try out new ideas. I feel a little stale. And just an fyi: I think I'm going to move to a 3-4 post per week model, rather than 5 like I've been doing. I think I've been pushing myself a little too much to come up with content. I think we can all agree that feeling pressured is a real mood killer. :)

But excitingly, with the Catholic New Media Conference coming up in *gulp!* less than a month, I am in hopeful expectation of new inspiration soon. Oh, cute anecdote: Mike could tell I was down yesterday, and disappeared into his office while I brought Anne upstairs for her nap. When I came back downstairs, he solemnly handed me a sheet of paper that he had typed up. It was entitled:

"Ideas for a Belly Dance Mystery"

And he had a full plot summary on there of murdered belly dancers and their crime solving troupemates. I mean...SO SWEET. Could the man be more adorable? Seriously. He knew that I was struggling with how to sort out my creative energies and wanted to provide some new ideas and inspiration for me.

And a final cute anecdote: Anne and I went to Mass by ourselves yesterday because Henry was under the weather. A major bummer on Mother's Day, to be sure. Anne was very concerned about leaving Henry behind, and did not like this aberration from our routine.

"Mommy, could I say a St. Anthony prayer for Henry to get better?"

She has the St. Anthony prayer memorized, since we need to implement it so often to find lost toys. ;-)

"Oh. Well sure, Honey, that's very sweet of you."

"Dear St. Anthony, please come around. Henry's tummy... is not lost, but it is hurting. Please help his tummy to feel better."


1 comment:

  1. Spiritual dryness is awful. But that's how it is for me normally. I have to remind myself that praying is an act of love. Sometimes we do things for others out of love expecting nothing in return. It's nice when they do something back. Course my husband thinks I've got a mild case of depression because emotionally everything I feel is very flat. No big highs.

    Doesn't help though that I royally made my mother mad yesterday. And we weren't in the same country. I give up. It's either she seems to show very little interest in anything or she's terribly angry.

    Let's agree that mothers' day is over rated. We should celebrate mothers every day.


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