I'll start out on the downer note so that I can build to a cheery ending. This has been a tough week. Work actually hasn't been that bad. I mean, I'm overwhelmed, but it's gotten better. I've managed to get my email inbox down to a non-scary place, and I've been working on compiling copies of some of my work for my tenure dossier (also scary, but I'm not thinking about that right now).
I do feel still a bit "out of sorts" since there were a lot of changes here since I left and I'm not yet acclimated to them. The university switched to a new software system for student records and data, which heavily impacts one of my main job responsibilities. Even after a week, I'm no closer to feeling caught up on that than I was my first day back. I think that will take a month or so, especially given how slowly training is coming down from "on high." Students keep trying to find me, to ask panicky questions, because everyone is panicking about this new system (since nobody knows how to use it), and it's all I can do not to hang a giant sign on my door that says:
QUESTIONS? I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.
And I'm a librarian, for heaven's sake. *sighs* It'll get better, but with classes starting Monday, I'm a little worried. But hey, "a little" isn't so bad, right? I can handle a little.
At home, though, things are "a lot." It's my first week back at work, I know I should be easy on myself. That's a major adjustment. But I can't help it. At home, I'm dissolving into tears if somebody looks at me sideways. The reasons are manifold.
For one thing, the baby is really fussy right now. She's teething, plus in the evenings, which is when I see her the most, she's tired. Plus, she has more gastrointestional issues than any baby I've ever seen. She's just always gassy and spitting up and it hasn't eased at all since the day she was born. I can only hope that the introduction of solids within the next few months will help with that.
The next thing is a major one: lack of sleep. Anne hasn't been getting up all that much. Nothing outside of normal, certainly. But this week, when she's up, she's UP. I can't get her to go back to sleep. She's all gassy and miserable. That happened again in the middle of the night last night, and she got up just before 5 again and never went back to sleep. So I've been up since then. Again. That's the third night in a row. I'm beyond exhausted. And when you're exhausted, you're weak. That's just a biological fact. When I'm in that weakened state, I get depressed. That's not good.
And on top of all of this, is Mike's new job. He's gone a lot, and so I'm wrangling the kids both in the mornings and during dinner preparation time. I know, I know, Tiffany STOP worrying so much about making dinner and just sit down and nurse the baby! Something will work out for dinner. But it's hard for me. I want to do everything. I want to be able to sautee an onion without the baby wailing in the background. When she's tired like that, she won't let you put her down. And my carrier is useless for this purpose because it kills my back and I don't want to put it on. I always have her right with me in the kitchen in her bouncey seat, but that's just not making her happy. I can accept giving up some control over dinner, but we do need to eat something, and it can't be tuna fish sandwiches every night. I just don't know what to do. The crock pot is tough too because you have to prepare the food the night before. And the preparation time is what does me in. I could save it for when the kids are in bed, but I'm exhausted by then. I don't know. I guess I'll figure out something.
Anyway, I digressed. We're not really liking Mike's new job. He's gone a lot and the content isn't what he was anticipating. He's miserable. And that's making me miserable. I want him to be happy. He wants to be with us more, and take care of the kids so that we won't have to use childcare, which I want too. But we do need the income. Well, I say we "need"it because our house could use new windows before the winter and my car is nearly 12 years old. But we can live and pay our bills fine without it. I don't know. I seem to be saying that a lot in this post.
I've been praying, so I'm sure things will work out. I know that they will. I'm just feeling a little down this morning.
Therefore, I've been soothing myself with yarn. I love yarn. I'm nearly done with my sweater, and I'm also working on a pair of fall socks for myself. I'll get the camera and post some pictures next week. I have a bunch of projects I completed over the summer. After this, I move on to Christmas gifts and I'm terribly excited. I just placed a Knit Picks order yesterday. I do so love them. I scooped up a couple balls of a brand spanking new yarn that literally debuted yesterday, and some lovely wool, all for gifts. I also, for the first time ever, purchased some lace weight yarn in hopes of knitting a lacy shawl for myself. I'm a little scared, since the pattern is solely a chart and I've never worked with one of those before, but I soldier on. I wanted new challenges, right? Finally, I grabbed a set of 24" cables and a new set of tips for interchangeable circular needles in my beloved Harmony wood. I can't justify buying the full set, so I'm just buying tips and cables as I need them for individual projects. I need this set for the purple and yellow cardigan I'm going to knit for Anne.
So, this cheers me up. I love yarn. Have I mentioned that already? I do...own a lot of it. Yet I always seem to need more. I just love to touch it. There's just something so soothing to me about rubbing your hand and cheek against a soft yarn. And I love creating something beautiful yet useful out of it.
So, I'm just going to try to feel better. My motto all summer has been: "Don't give in to despair." I was worried about post-partum depression, and that never came to fruition. I was worried about our financial situation and Mike finding a job, and something worked out for that. Now, there are new things to fret about, but I need to remember to take myself mentally back to the non-fretting place.
God is in charge. Somehow, we'll get through this.
Aw, hugs. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteThis just my opinion, but I think if Mike hates his job and you don't *really* need the money, he shouldn't stick with it. Maybe you could plan for him to work for, say, three more months, sock every penny into savings for new windows and a new car, and then quit. At least then there would be an end in sight.
Without him available to help out at ALL, you're working two jobs -- home and work. No wonder you're stressed! If he could be home to start dinner and do a bit of housework, I'm sure that would make a huge difference. Plus you wouldn't have to worry about daycare.
Even if he keeps his job, I think you should realize that there are three jobs between the two of you. If you could handle it with grace and smile on your face, I would doubt your humanity. But you ARE human, and this is GOING to be rough. Still, you will get the hang of it soon, and it will be *less* bad.
And, seriously, there is nothing wrong with tuna sandwiches every night while you get a handle on things. It's OKAY.
Shelia,
ReplyDeleteThank you. :) We've been thinking about some very things that you mentioned. We'll see how things shake out, but I anticipate that they will ease very soon here. Things are still crazy right now, but I'm feeling peaceful about the future.