Stay at home mom for the summer

I'm a person that likes to be in control. I'm certain this is no surprise to any of my regular readers. :) And right now, there is a LOT going on in my life that I have little to no control over. It's tough, but I've actually been navigating it better than I have in the past.

Mike finished his last exam about 20 minutes ago (so much relief) so the big unknown remaining on this issue is when he's going to find a full time position. Obviously, we're hoping it won't take too long, but in this economy, we may have a long wait ahead of us. We don't have flexibility to move (makes no sense for us, given both sets of parents now here, plus I'm up for tenure next year) so that makes it even harder.

We're trying to plan for the summer and fall, as well as for things that need doing around our house, and the financial unknown makes many of these things next to impossible right now. We're just trying to hang in there.

Last night over supper, we got to talking about two big issues: one is our hot water heater, which has been on the fritz, frustratingly enough given that it's only 3 years old. The other is Hank's summer activities.

Living on one income, money is always tight, and this hot water heater issue has thrown a wrench into our budget. Homeownership, sigh. Our heater has only a limited warranty, so we tried to get by with Mike swapping in a part the manufacturer surmised would solve the problem. It didn't. Thus, we had to call the plumber, and $200 later we find that to even fix the thing, it would cost about half of what a new heater would cost! AND, we're not totally confident this part will fully do the trick for the long term. We have a bit of a rogue heater, apparently. Either way, it's going to cost at least $400, so this is not good news.

On the heels of that, we finally made the time to determine what to do for Hank this summer. I'm going to be home this summer, obviously, with the new baby, and Henry will be done with school in late June. Mike will also be home, apart from a summer class that he's teaching, and looking for work, of course. I was thinking that maybe Hank would enjoy the summer camp that our daycare offers for school aged children for a day or two per week for a handful of weeks in the summer.

The thing is, I'm not used to being a stay at home mom. I'm certain all stay at home moms will find my worry very odd, since they handle this on a daily basis. :) But when I was home on maternity leave with Hank I found it very difficult to be home. I was very depressed, granted, and I had absolutely *no clue* how hard it was to care for a newborn baby. It was just a tough time in my life. So this time, I'm taking lots of precautions toward keeping up my mental health. I thought that it would help to have a few days here and there where I just had the baby, and Hank would get to play with kids his own age. I figured it would be good for both of us.

As Mike and I looked over the registration form, however, he suddenly said, "You know, I don't think we should send him at all." And in that moment, I knew he was right. For one thing, it's VERY expensive. And we'd have to pre-pay some of it now. Plus, we'd need to buy a town swimming pass for him and several other items on top of the tuition cost. Even for just a day per week, over the course of the entire summer, it would really add up.

Also, we're going to be home, and it just seems like a hassle to finagle all the registration requirements when we could just keep him home and save the money. So, that's what we're going to do.

I'm worried, because, well, that's what I do best. And honestly, I feel a bit pathetic. My great-grandmother raised 15 children; I'll have 2, and I'm all concerned that I won't be able to handle it. :) But I feel really peaceful about it. I have 2 friends, one two houses over and the other around the block, that stay at home with their kids, so I'll have a social support network right near by. And I want to make the time with the kids this summer really special. Maybe I can go to daily Mass, go to the zoo, do all sorts of nice things that we don't have time to do otherwise. I'm getting all frontier woman, plotting how to can tomatoes and make my own Play Doh. I really think it's going to be ok.

As for the fall, that remains to be seen. I'll be coming back to work, and we'll just have to see what happens with Mike finding a job. Somehow, I know that it'll be ok.

A game of "What's That Noise?!" and "Where's That Stitch?!"

I guess my "one of those days" from Tuesday has now morphed into "one of those weeks." It hasn't been terrible by any stretch of the imagination, but it's always the little things.

I was feeling tired and emotional yesterday, and I knew that I had Hank by myself for the evening, since Mike had a late class. I had an ambitious after-work agenda: grocery store, public library, fetch Hank, home. Make soothing dinner based on grocery store additions, watch new Thomas the Tank Engine movie procured from the public library with Hank, grab a warm shower, get Hank in jammies, read books with him, get him tucked in and sleeping, greet Mike, knit, bed. It all seemed very doable.

As I trucked away from campus in my little Honda, I gave my car a pat and told him how happy I was that he seemed to be staving off that new muffler that I can tell he's angling for. The car had been a tad noisier than usual, and in small sedans you need exhaust work every 2-3 years commonly. It's been about 3 since my last foray to Mufflerman, so I knew I was on borrowed time, but I buttered Civic up and told him how proud I was of him. Every pay period has been perilous here lately. We've just had a bunch of necessary expenses all hit at one time. Tuition, books, fee for a licensing exam Mike needs to take, taxes, school clothes for Henry, mortgage, etc. I just hoped to have a bit of a chance to recover.

I hop on the highway, and it happened. You know.

*happy putter* *POP* *BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

The whole highway turns to stare at you. You slouch down in your seat. You sigh. You may say a very bad word. You get huffy.

I'm so used to this with my car that it doesn't faze me anymore. I've had Civic for 10 years, and like I mentioned, new exhaust work every 2-3 years. I don't even pull over anymore. I just keep driving and pray for Mufflerman to miraculously move closer to my physical position. So, my new evening agenda now looks like this:

Henry. Mufflerman. Public library. Grocery store. Home.

I grab Hank from his after school program and we head to Mufflerman. 30 minutes and $250 later, we emerge with a quiet and happy car. *sighs*

By this time, someone was starving and cranky. And Hank was getting a bit restless too. We fetch Thomas and the groceries (including a box of super heroes popsicles, since he really took the Mufflerman visit better than I did), and head home. Hank bounces around the house while I make us the ultimate comfort dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I grab my shower while Hank watches Thomas. Mike gets home a few minutes early and is all worried about the car expenses, since his car needed about $300 worth of work last week. It was necessary, certainly, but worrisome, and it takes its toll on both of our moods. This makes me even more emotional than before.

Mike gets Hank to sleep, and as I sulkily work my mom's socks (my very first pair!) I notice that I'm mysteriously missing a stitch. Now. I'm very used to dropped stitches. Because, well, I drop them all the time. And a dropped stitch in knitting is extremely telltale. You see this big gap and then a little ladder of loose yarn where the stitch is unraveling. I've learned how to pick them back up and fix them. On these socks, I'd just started the heel flap, which was probably a bad idea given how porky I was mixed with the fact that I've never knitted a sock before, and the heel is one of the most difficult parts. I had counted as I rearranged the stitches to begin the heel flap, and I had 32 for the flap, 32 in reserve, just like I was supposed to. I knit a row, purl a row, then go back and complete a row of alternating slipped stitches and knits, just like the directions say. Except...I end with a slip, and that just doesn't seem right. Sure enough, I go back and count and there are only 31 stitches there. *content edited for language modesty*

I count my reserve stitches, thinking maybe I accidentally put an extra one over there. Nope. 32 of those, just like there should be. I un-knit a row, hoping to see my mistake. Nothing. I examine the sock in a cranky-like manner under the light, looking for that telltale little ladder. Nothin'

I glared at it for a long time. I considered stuffing it into my knitting bag, but I knew I wouldn't be satisfied to leave it without a solution. Instead of making myself even more miserable by going backward until I uncovered the exact location of the error, I gave it the evil eye and added a stitch. So there! These socks are knit in super fine yarn anyway, you can barely even seen those bloody little stitches. No one will ever know. Except me, and it'll bug the crap out of me, but hey, it was just one of those weeks.

Trying to perk, school choices, and nightime belly dancing...

Yesterday was just one of those days wherein I simply wanted to go to bed so that I could wake up the next morning and start anew. They happen to everyone every once in a while and you just have to endure, kwim?

On my car... Mike is looking into a few other garages (friends of friends) and we're going to try and get another estimate or two. But honestly, I'm not optimistic that we'll be able to get the a/c fixed. Regardless, we really don't want to spend more than $300 on car a/c, and barring divine car intervention (does Jesus do auto repair?) I think that it'll just have to stay as is. I'm a little grumpy about it, but honestly, I just need to grow up. In the climate in which we live, it's not a big deal for any length of time. It'll be uncomfortable when I drive home from work on warm days, but I'll just have to offer it up. There are many worse things in life.

On the school thing...I did lots of thinking about this yesterday. And of course, research. I was encouraged to see that at least one local Catholic school charges the lower-priced parishoner rate for anyone that belongs to a parish in which there is no parochial school. That will be us. And the parishoner rates really weren't as bad as I feared. I know that there's also tuition assistance programs too. It made me feel better to have this information.

Overall though, Mike and I talked about it last night, and I think we're going to have to give the public school a go for the upcoming school year. If we don't like it, we can switch Hank for first grade. The main thing at issue is of course money. Mike will still be in school full-time next year, and on top of that, whereas he usually teaches 2 courses per semester as adjunct faculty, in the fall his schedule will only allow him to teach 1. We'll have less money coming in. And, as you all know because I talk about it all the time now :) I'd like to conceive. Major money concerns.

In addition, it's true that it's not fair to judge the school based on a single morning orientation. Every review that we've heard from parents that have or had children in the school have been glowing, including one yesterday from our neighbors with 2 girls enrolled. I think we need a real time experience to go on. Plus, we don't know that the environment would be any less rigid or less assessment-crazy at a given Catholic school. We'd have to get more information about both places before making a firm judgment. Hank's kindergarten year will be a good information-gathering time for us. We can go from there.

I'm still feeling a bit out of sorts about the whole thing, but I'm praying and trusting that somehow it's going to work out just fine. I cracked open my Catechism last night, and was reading the section on the education of children. I forgot to bring it with me so I can't quote the actual text, but the jist was that parents are the ultimate educators of our children. We are not morally obliged to make any specific choice about where to send our children for school - whether it be homeschool, Catholic school or public school. We can send them wherever we feel is best for our particular situation, but in the end, *we* are responsible for passing the faith on to them, and I intend to do that to the best of my ability regardless of whether Hank is in public or Catholic school. In many ways, I think I stay focused better with praying with Hank at home and teaching him spiritual things *because* I know that outside of attending Mass, this is the sole place he's learning about his faith. Should he stay in public school, I'm also looking forward to both of us becoming involved in our parish's CCD program. Hank would start attending in first grade, and I'm planning to volunteer as a teacher.

This is all off in the future somewhat, but it helps me to talk it out. That's why I love this blog so much :)

Ok, so enough stressful stuff. I've been belly dancing my little heart out lately and praying that my sheerish curtains are doing their job and not giving the whole neighborhood a free show. The reason for this is a major upcoming milestone for your Catholic Librarian: my first solo.

Last Friday at class, we were doing our usual thing when suddenly Claire announced something new: We'd be working on our improv skills, improv being dancing solo with no planned choreography. I thought this was a great way to challenge us and force us out of our comfort zones, but I have to say, I'm a bit anti-improv :) Given my personality, I like everything planned.to.a.tee. Nothing, not even an eyebrow arch or saucy smile will be left to chance.

So, we all took turns improving for a minute or so to a song, and as you can imagine, I was sweating overtime. I get nervous now about performing, but as long as I'm in the group I do just fine. Everybody looking at ME is not something I'd ever been able to enjoy. My classmates had done this exercise before, but because I'm still fairly new to the advanced class, this was my first time. I put it off as long as possible and then forced myself up. I made it, but it was pretty rough :) In the heat of the moment, I could only remember about 3 steps, so I kept repeating things and tripping over my own feet. Not a good look.

After class I was pondering where I'd like to go with my dancing. I really love it, and we have a hafla coming up to celebrate the opening of Claire's new studio. She's encouraging all of us to do solos. Lest I be pressed into this dreaded improv nightmare, I started planning a choreography posthaste. It took me several days just to pick a song. Finally, I settled on a drum solo, and I really love it. I've planned out about a minute so far, and I have to say, I like it. One thing I realized from the improv exercise is that you don't have to be constantly in frenetic motion when you're doing a solo. There is a place for slowing down, focusing on some hand or chest movements, even pausing in time to the music. As well, you don't have to reinvent the wheel and come up with "new and exciting!" all the time. String together some basic movements, some combinations from class, mix in some travel steps and some of those slower sequences for isolated movements, and 2 minutes later you've got yourself a cute solo.

I'm pretty terrified, but cautiously optimistic. Now I just need to secure a costume with the magic word attached (cheap!). We'll get there...

Happy Memorial Day!

A not so good morning...

I keep plotting my happy belly dancing post and getting waylaid by stressful occurrences. *sighs* In good news, my grandmother is doing well, although still in ICU. They wanted to keep an eye on her for an additional day since she was complaining of some discomfort and the doctor was adjusting her medication. But overall, she's doing great.

The furlough issue is still unresolved, but for the time being a temporary restraining order is in place, so that's good.

This morning, we had 2 major issues to contend with: the air conditioning in my car, and Hank's kindergarten orientation. We took the car in first thing, hoping that it would be a $200 or so fix. 'Twas not to be. The mechanic told us that the compressor needs to be replaced, and that would cost... are you ready? Wait for it... $760. I nearly fell over. Needless to say, we don't have that amount of money stocked away for a repair of a non-essential item. I am most unhappy about the situation. We're going to shop around at a few other places, but unless something truly unexpected happens, I'm going to be sweating a lot this summer.

Next, we walked to our local public elementary school for Hank's orientation. I was really looking forward to this, and at this point, I hadn't gotten the car news yet, so I was in good spirits. Unfortunately, I wasn't too impressed. I went to public city schools k-12; I did just fine, and that district has a lot of issues that our suburban district does not. Our elementary school comes highly recommended and people in the neighborhood rave about it. As a general rule, I'm all about keeping an open mind with regard to public schools.

It's just that...things have changed since I was in school. Everything now is about "state standards and regulations" with an unbelievable amount of emphasis on testing and other assessments. The environment is also so, so rigid and strict. God forbid you should want to walk your child into their classroom or enter the school while classes are in session. You have to be buzzed in, signed in, and receive special written permission to do just about anything. And don't even get me started on the birthday food thing. Children with food allergies in the classroom, *this* I understand. I certainly wouldn't send Hank in with something from which one or more children would be excluded due to allergies. I would accommodate that in a heartbeat. But the "wellness committee" chairwoman (I'm not making this up) telling us that they promote "healthy snacks" for treats and special days like raisins, fruit, and non-food items like bookmarks (!), and discourage sugary cupcakes and cookies just makes me kind of pissed off. These are 5 YEAR OLDS. Let them be kids.

Overall, the level of hot air, and quite frankly b.s., in the auditorium this morning left me feeling drained and unhappy. Is this what I want for Hank? Constant testing, locked doors, and birthday raisins? I don't know. And I feel trapped, because especially if we want to have another baby, putting Catholic school tuition into the budget until Mike goes back to work full-time just isn't happening. And maybe I should give the school more of a chance than a 2 hour orientation.

Mike assured me that after he's working full-time again next year, if we're unhappy with the school, we can switch Hank to Catholic school. At that point, he'd only have just finished kindergarten, so he'd be young enough that a switch shouldn't be traumatic. We'll see.

But I'm feeling decidedly down again. I'm trying my best not to let that fester. God always works things out, even if we can't see how right at the present moment. I tend to always want to be in constant motion, and trying to do things before I allow enough time for proper discernment and contemplation. Sometimes I just need to leave God more room and time to work, kwim? I'm trying to do that right now. Trying very hard, I promise :)

Tough times and busy knitting needles

Despite my best intentions, my level of anxiety each day grows. I'm dealing with it ok (well, at least *I* think so), as in I'm not having a nervous breakdown or sobbing uncontrollably in public. That's right, my current standard is public hysteria. However, each day I can feel the heaviness in my heart growing. And I'm at a point in my life now wherein I recognize this for what it really is - depression. I've been struggling with it all week. And part of depression is not being able to help yourself very easily. Exercise really boosts my mental health, and yet each day I can't get myself off of my office chair to go for a walk. The gloominess actually makes my limbs feel heavy.

I can admit the fact that I'm a control-oriented person. That sounds so much better than "a controlling person," doesn't it? And I'm struggling mightily with the fact that other people totally outside of my control are going to screw with my hard earned paycheck and with my family's livelihood. Frankly, it pisses me off. And there's not a darn thing I can do about it.

So, I've been saying a lot of rosaries. This is a good thing. And I've been knitting. Like a maniac. Something about the movement of the needles soothes me, and I've been knitting like there's a whole army out there that desperately needs my prayer shawls lest they perish from exposure. It's been helping.

Thus, today I made the last of any sort of "entertainment/luxury" purchase for the foreseeable future: a set of interchangeable circular knitting needles. I had a 50% off coupon for JoAnn's, and they had the Boye needle set that I had my eye on, thus I paid $35 for a $70 set of needles. I was cackling with joy as I left the store.

I've mentioned the knitting needles phenomena before: for a new project, you purchase the necessary set of needles, yet you go to start another project, and...you need a different set of needles. And this will happen approximately 40 more times, at least. No matter how many needles you have, you will still need a different size/length/type for your next project. It's like a law of knitting.

Finally, my search for 24" circular needles led me to investigate an interchangeable set. For whatever reason, the craft stores don't carry many 24" circular needles. Must not be a popular length. With an interchangeable set, I now have needles in sizes 2-15, in cord sizes 20", 24", 29" and 36". I should never have to buy circular needles again. Of course, I will still inevitably need more straight and double pointed needles, but we won't worry about that right now. For the time being, I've saved some money and assured that I can knit to my heart's content for the next long time without having to buy needles. Yay.

I've got a small stash of yarn that should occupy me for the summer. I'm working on a prayer shawl and a shrug right now. I also have yarn for a sweater, a cardigan, mittens for Mike, a hat, a new scarf for me for the next cold season, gifts for any babies that may be conceived, and several afghans for our house. I'm good.

Also in my arsenal is a full collection of crochet hooks. These are much less of a headache to collect than knitting needles, and I've gone years without needing to buy a hook. I have hooks sized C through N. That's really all I'll ever need. To use crochet thread and make doilys you need these skinny minnie things called steel crochet hooks, but I'm not really a doily kind of girl, so I think I'm good.

That covers the crafting portion of my obsessions. On the rosary front, I found the neatest way to aid me in my quest. I tend to pray the rosary a lot while I'm in the car. So, I pray part of it here, part of it there, and part of it on my way home. There's a seller on etsy that makes these little things called rosary charms, and they're very inexpensive. They're little dangly things with a lobster claw clasp at one end and a Catholic medal on the other. As you're praying, if you are interrupted, you can hook the charm by the bead you left off on so that you can pick back up easily when you resume. I have one, with a St. Benedict medal on it, and I adore it. It's made it so much easier for me to continually pray a rosary throughout the day. Usually, I would fret over making sure I got to the end of a decade before leaving off, so I wouldn't lose track. Because, you know, I'm *crazy*. This way I can leave off wherever and hook on my cute little charm. Voila!

It's the little things these days, you know?

Steadfast in faith

Today started off a bit like yesterday - I was having a hard time physically shaking the emotional black cloud that seems to be perched stubbornly over my head. But when Hank hustled upstairs to tell me that he found a small package waiting for me inside our front door that we hadn't seen when retrieving the mail yesterday, I perked. My Garlands of Grace headcoverings!

*sigh* The silver headband was cute as a button, and I popped it right on my head. The black and white scarf, on the other hand, didn't make it. Accidentally, I had been sent a plain white cotton covering, in the long length style. I emailed them right away, and I'm sure they'll take care of swapping it for me, but it was a bit of an omen of the topsy turvy day to come. In preparation, I kept the silver headband on. It soothed me.

I got to the breakfast table, and Mike reluctantly handed me the front section of the paper. Our state legislature passed the proposal forcing us to be furloughed one day per week, beginning next week. I suppose this isn't a surprise, but it hit me hard nonetheless. There are many things I could say about how I feel about all of this, but I won't say them, because frankly, they aren't helpful for me to dwell on. I just have to remain strong and trust that the Lord will see us through this.

I started my rosary on the way into work, and have kept it by my side, another soothing element. When I arrived at work, I found a panic stricken student outside the closed library. She had an exam inside a library room and wanted to get in to get herself situated. We let her in, and the circulation coordinator let us know that there would be a fire drill in 15 minutes. *another sigh* This did nothing to soothe the poor, frantic law student who had an exam beginning at that exact same time. I sent many sympathy vibes her way as we all shivered outside during the fire drill. There's a cold spell here this week.

I just opened my purse-sized New Testament.

Philippians 2: 27-30

Only conduct yourselves in a way worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or an absent, I may hear news of you, that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind struggling together for the faith of the gospel, not intimidated in any way by your opponents. This is proof to them of destruction, but of your salvation. And this is God's doing. For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him...

It made me feel a little bit better.

Trying to shake the blues...

I wanted to blog on Friday, but after my reference shift ended, I ended up taking a half day. I was just exhausted, emotionally and physically. Today, I sort of feel the same way, but I'm trying my best to muddle through. We should hear more about the potential furloughs this week, and besides waiting for that, there's nothing I can do. So, I'm very much trying to perk.

I did have a wonderful weekend away from the office, although worry was the devil on my shoulder the whole time. Knitting and crocheting takes my mind off of things, and so we are the proud owners of two brand new baby dish cloths. As well, I worked on the prayer shawl I'm knitting from the Homespun yarn, and I started my first garment: a shrug.

I have some inexpensive Vanna's Choice acrylic yarn in taupe that I picked up on sale a few months back. I was going to use it to make a shawl, but I rather have shawls coming out my ears at this point. Instead, I found a free pattern for a simple shrug on Lion Brand Yarn's web site, and I'm using the yarn for that. I figure, if it doesn't come out the way I want, it won't bother me too much since the yarn was so cheap.

For the first time ever, I dutifully knitted a gauge swatch. For afghans and dish cloths, this really isn't necessary, but for garments, gauge is essential. What you are doing is testing out how big or small your stitches are with the recommended yarn and needle size. If you knit loosely, you should move down a needle size, to assure that your sweater doesn't come out making you look...well, big. If you knit tightly, you want to make sure that it'll fit you, and not your toddler, so you move to bigger needles.

This is a frustrating process for me, because, as you know, I'm not exactly the queen of patience. I'm dying to dive right into my new project, but now that I'd like to start knitting pieces to actually wear, I've resigned myself to gauge regularly. So I did. And, as expected, my gauge was big. *sighs* My gauge is always big. I make big things, what can I say? Even Hank is unusually tall for his age, and his weight was off the charts when he was an infant. He was the biggest baby at the pediatrician, every time. Ah, well. Big is good.

Since this is a shrug, which is supposed to be a bit loose, I just kept on with the same needles. My gauge wasn't that far off, as opposed to previous projects wherein hats that I'd make looked like they'd fit the Incredible Hulk. So I think it'll be ok. I'm very excited.

I worked on these projects off and on all weekend, and we all went to Mass as a family on Sunday, which I very much enjoyed. Hank continues his boycott of the formerly coveted Children's Liturgy of the Word, and finally he told me why. He said that an older boy there called him "stupid" and told him he was a baby. Granted, this is my 4 year old, and so we parents know that we don't always get the full story. I take all Hank tales with a bit of a grain of salt. But clearly something happened that led him to be upset and afraid to go with the kids again, and consequently I'm upset.

When the children went back yesterday during Mass I did notice that several boys who were much older looking than all of the other kids went back. To be fair, I don't know that they are responsible for upsetting Hank. So I would certainly never say anything. I'm just feeling extra sensitive these days, and I'm feeling badly that this activity that Hank once enjoyed so much has been spoiled for him. At least for the time being. I'm hoping, with time, that he'll start to want to go again. We'll see. It brought out my mama bear instinct though. How dare anybody say such a mean thing to my angel. *glares* My precious little guy.

Who didn't get enough sleep either Friday night or Saturday night and thus was an absolute nightmare yesterday late afternoon and evening. Parents, you know what I'm talking about. Some little inconsequential thing, like Iron Man's arm turning the wrong way, and suddenly you have a sobbing child on your hands for the next 20 minutes. Who intersperses the rest of his free time whining. It was just one of those days.

But, in exciting news (for me, at least) my bellydance group is going to be performing at a festival this Friday, and this will be my first performance as an official member of the group. I've been practicing up a storm and I'm super excited. Mike has gotten used to be undulating and shimmying my way around the kitchen, as that's my favorite room to practice in. Apparently there is no changing room at this shindig come Friday, and so we have to arrive dressed. In our bellydance costumes. I'm going to have to drive and navigate my way into a gallery in a heavily beaded and netted gown. This should be interesting. I'll definitely be reporting in on this one.

The allure of comfort food, the joy of being a mother, and the dignity of human work...

As I left work yesterday, this furlough threat weighed heavily on my mind. One unpaid day per week is 20% of my salary. That's a crushing blow to our livelihood. We live well within our means, and have been able to manage Mike moving from full-time employment to full-time student quite well, even with a child and a mortgage to pay. But then to dismantle the other full-time salary? That's tough stuff.

Like I said yesterday, I went into crisis mode, which actually isn't a bad thing. I simply become more focused and appreciative of small things. I wasn't panicking, and still aren't, but my heart felt heavy with concern.

Lifting my spirits, though, was my son. I left work early yesterday to attend the Mother's Day Tea at his school, and as expected, it was all too adorable for words. And I also enjoyed socializing with a few of the other mothers. Being an introvert, and this just my first child, parental socializing is new territory for me. The kids are all dropped off and picked up at different times, so you rarely run into another parent. This was a nice opportunity to chat with them, plus the kids sang and we received our crafted Mother's Day gifts. It was one of those moments where you wished you had a dozen children :)

After that, Hank and I stopped off at the store to pick up some milk, and went home to make dinner. Mike was still taking his exam, so Hank and I were on our own for dinner. I was still feeling a bit emotionally burdened, and so I seized the opportunity to have one of those "I just don't care, I'm making whatever the heck I want" kind of dinners, and prepared Spider Man macaroni and cheese for both of us. I did add a side of fresh strawberries to balance things out a bit. With whipped cream :)

Later, when Mike came home (glowing from a successful exam, thank you for your prayers!) and was putting Hank to bed, before I dragged out my craft bag and started obsessively knitting, I pulled out my Bible and catechism. Since my post on this issue last week, I've been doing better with evening devotions, so thanks to my commenters for their great ideas! Per Deltaflute's suggestion, I took the catechism, and browsed the index to see if I could find a section on financial worries. I didn't find that exactly, but I did find a section on work that I thought pertained.

Pope John Paul II actually wrote an encyclical on the dignity of human work, and I wrote an article about it early in my library career. It's quoted at length in this section of the catechism.

P. 2427 Human work proceeds directly from persons created in the image of God and called to prolong the work of creation...Work honors the Creator's gifts and the talents received from him. It can also be redemptive. By enduring the hardship of work in union with Jesus, the carpenter of Nazareth and the one crucified on Calvary, man collaborates in a certain fashion with the Son of God in his redemptive work. He shows himself to be a disciple of Christ by carrying the cross, daily, in the work he is called to accomplish. Work can be a means of sanctification and a way of animating early realities with the Spirit of Christ.

P. 2428 In work, the person exercises and fulfills in part the potential inscribed in his nature...Everyone should be able to draw from work the means of providing for his life and that of his family, and of serving the human community.

I took great comfort in these passages. And of course, they apply to all of us; to those that work outside the home and to those that work inside the home. Whether you're slogging away over a spreadsheet in your office or changing diapers, you're working. And I love how the Church addresses the fact that all of our work is good for our souls.

I was also thinking about the second passage. Even if this furlough comes to pass, we'll find a way to make ends meet and provide for our family. In the end, that's all that matters.

For Bible reading, I figured, as long as I'm doing something, that's a good thing. I don't need to be so Type A about working my way systematically through the entire thing. As long as I stick with it, I can get a really interesting Bible study or something so that I can manage to get through 1 Chronicles at some future point. For the time being, I've started with the first letter to the Corinthians, and I'm loving it. The chapter I read last night discussed Christians being 'fools for Christ' and being perceived as weak and different for their faith. This made me think about what the Church is going through right now. It all tied together for me well last night.

When I arrived at work this morning, I realized that I hadn't pulled out my Living Faith in a few days, so I did so. Yesterday's entry hit the nail right on the head.

"Trouble and Fear

Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

Do we actually let our hearts be troubled or afraid? Worry and fear, it seems to me, are a natural consequence of daily life. When my child drove our car out of that driveway alone for the first time, I worried - a lot.

Jesus, I'm sure, knows we have legitimate concerns about our families, our relationships, our jobs. We can call on him during those times of stress and doubt. But I think what he is saying here goes deeper than everyday cares and woes. This is about or salvation. He tells us: Trust in me, believe in me. And if you do, you will not have a troubled heart; you will not be afraid. He will be there for us. He will comfort and protect us. He will give us eternal life.

Dear Jesus, heal my troubled heart and banish my fear."

Anxiety = busy bee Catholic Librarian

This morning has started off on a bit of a disconcerting note. Lots of prayer intentions. My good friend Sarah has some close relatives going through health crises, and your prayers are coveted. I've known her for a long time (back from my lawyer days!) She's one of my original Catholic friends from after I finished graduate school, and her husband is Hank's godfather. It's been a rough go for them with these health worries. We pray for healing, and for the comfort only God can give.

As well, my precious husband Mike has exam #3 of 4 this afternoon, and I know that he's worried about doing well. For new readers, my husband went back to school a year and a half ago to study civil and structural engineering full-time. It was a leap of faith, but it was the right decision. It's been a long week for him, so I'm anxious for him to get some relief.

That stuff was already on my mind. And then this morning, I received more news about our state budget crisis and how this may impact us further. I work for my state, since I work at a state university, and things are ugly right now. It's been bad for a few years, but it's about to get much worse. We may all be forced to take a weekly "furlough", a day without pay. This would be devastating for our family. Mike brings in income as well, by teaching part-time (he teaches Introduction to Philosophy, Logic, and Knowledge & Reality - I love that he is a philosopher :)), but my full-time income is our main source of funds while he is in school. I'm downright scared about this. Just keep us in your prayers - I'm sure we'll get through this ok, and honestly, crises like these are a good way to draw closer to each other and to God. I'm not panicked, but I am worried.

And when I worry, I work. On things. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, right? So, my crochet hook and knitting needles have been working overtime. Not to mention the cleaning. But that's a topic for another post.

Here is my spring shawl, which I mentioned a few days ago:






I love the way it turned out. And the cotton blend is perfect for summer. It's made from Lion Brand Cotton Ease.

I've been using the weekly craft store coupons to pick up some crochet hooks and knitting needles for new projects as well as yarn. Knitting needles - all you knitters know what I'm talking about. I have like a small garbage bag full of these things, (I swear, they reproduce like frantic rabbits in there) and yet whenever I start a new project, I need different ones. Size 9? I have those in 29" circulars, but not 36". Size 10.5? I have 2 sets of those, but neither is long enough to accommodate the number of stitches for this new project. In fact, circular would be better, and I definitely don't have those in that size... And on and on.

I've been thinking about attempting for the first time: clothes. This is extremely scary for me. The thought of actually washing something that I make terrifies me. I'm afraid that I'll open the washing machine lid and all I'll find is a ball of unraveled yarn. I could hand wash, but well, I hate hand washing. But I may have to learn to like it.

At any rate, I've been thinking about making some practical things with my crafting skills. There is only so many shawls a girl can use. Granted, they also make nice gifts, but it would be nice to make a sweater. Even typing that word make a little flutter in my belly. A SWEATER. SCARY.

To work my way up, I'm moving slowly from shawls to a capelette, shrug, and poncho. Wrestling with my measuring tape and adding sleeves to things will be enough for me this summer. If I can successfully pull those things off, I can attempt a sweater this fall. Stay tuned.

But in the mean time, I've turned into a craft store addict with my coupons. I don't want to pay full price for the knitting needles and accompanying yarn I need, so I squirrel my Sunday ads section coupons away each week and make multiple trips to the craft stores. You see, the coupons are for 40% or 50% off a single regular price item per store. AC Moore and Michael's will let you print additional coupons off their web site, but wait! You can only use 1 per day. Thus, Tiffany is going to multiple craft stores daily to get single items in order to make a single poncho. She's crazy, you see. But don't scoff - I'm getting circular knitting needles regularly priced at $7.99 for a mere $4, so as you can see, it's all worth it :) And yarn that's usually $6 per skein for $3.50.

Victory is mine.