We had a tough night with Hank last night. As has been the case since June, one of us had to stay with him in his bedroom for him to fall asleep ("mommy, I *scaored!") About 12:45 this morning, I thought I was dreaming. In the dream, Hank was annoying me by pulling my hair, and I was trying to get him to stop. Then I realized that I was awake, in bed, and Hank was standing by the side of the bed, actually pulling my hair. When I told him to go back to sleep, he demanded to get in our bed. As I always do, I told him he couldn't, because then there wouldn't be enough room for mommy and she would get no sleep. I speak from experience on this one. We have a double bed. Three people cannot comfortably fit in it. Hank looked at me, and then commenced a giant, ugly temper tantrum. By the time we got him back to sleep, it was nearly 2 am. He woke me again at 5:30 am, asking to get into our bed. Another turn down, another pout session, although not nearly so violent this time. By the time 6:45 rolled around, I was exhausted. And I had to get up, get ready, get Hank's stuff ready to go to my parent's house for the day, and then get to the "relaxing" part of the day, which is working full-time at the library.
I love my job, and I feel fulfilled as a working mother. But it's difficult. I often feel like I'm shortchanging one arena of my life, and that's not an enjoyable feeling. I'm *always* tired. And I'm often insecure about whether or not I'm a "good mother" or a "good Catholic" because I work full-time. It's true that I'm at a stronger sense of peace about things than ever before. I'm a hard working mother, that's for certain. Not because I work outside of the home, but because I do the best I can with the situation God gave me. But I still worry that other mothers look down on me because I work. And because my son goes to daycare four days a week. I really, really worry about this. I will grant, I worry about more things than most people. But it's a struggle for me.
I'll just keep doing the best I can. Unsurprisingly, I'll keep worrying, as well.