I have always been a person who struggles with anxiety. It's just part of my personality, I suppose. When I was a child, I wondered sometimes what it was that made me different from my peers. Nobody else seemed as nervous as I was about doing normal, everyday things. Like, you know, playing volley ball in gym class. Or having to talk to...anybody. I just always wished that I could change this about myself. Like if I concentrated enough, I wouldn't worry about these things so much.
As an adult, I have come, via necessity, to accept this about myself. I cannot change it. That is a fact. Therefore, I have developed coping mechanisms. And I allow myself to see the humor in the situation.
But, for example, the following things make me unbelievably, "Please God, let this be over soon!!" anxious:
(1) Talking on the telephone to people I do not know. Just the facts, ma'am, or else direct me straight to voicemail please!
(2) Speaking in a meeting. *sweats*
(3) Answering the door to someone I do not know. In fact, I actually don't do this, unless it is the summer, the door is propped open, and I have no choice or else I would look incredibly rude.
(4) Doing anything that I am not confident in my abilities to excel at, and feel out of my element.
(5) Playing sports, see #4 above. I avoid this at all costs, even "oh, it's just for fun!!" work softball teams. I'd rather die.
There are other things that I do feel (somewhat) confident in my ability to at least not suck at, but it still makes me super nervous to do them. These things would be:
(1) Dancing in public.
(3) Having conversations with people I genuinely like.
Essentially, things I really care about. This is not a pleasant cross to bear, let me tell you, gentle reader. :0 I have never taken medication to deal with anxiety, nor do I plan to. So I do what I can to mitigate my worrying.
In thinking about my New Years resolutions, one of them is actually to worry less. The instant I start to worry about something, I tell myself to put it right out of my mind. There I go, talking to myself again, but there you have it. It helps. Cristina and I talked about picking one word to embody our 2014, and I chose:
Just so you know what you're dealing with here. I need to relax more. It is my one word for what I need to do more this year.
So. The fact that I logged into my dental insurance online system yesterday to check on my periodontal surgery claim (because, you know, I didn't want to *call* ;-)), and saw the following:
Claim status: Processed
Innocent, Halo Perched Insurance Company Pays: $0.00
Tiffany Pays: $1900
...and didn't have an immediate heart attack? Well, I think this means that I'm making progress.
The first thing that popped into my mind was: "I'M NOT GOING TO PANIC!!!!" See what a good girl I was? I was panicking as I told myself that, but no matter. My intentions were pure.
I clicked on the claim explanation, and it appears to be a technicality on the end of the dentist's office that can be easily remedied and resubmitted. That's what I'm hoping. Because I still have to call the dentist's office to ask them about this. And you know how I feel about THAT.
I do what I can. But I do feel like my anxiety has gotten a bit more pronounced in recent years. There is more to worry about in life as you acquire more responsibility, sure. There could also be physical and hormonal reasons as a person naturally ages (mew!). Other than that, I'm not sure. I'm just doing my best to navigate it.
St. Dymphna, pray for us!
Are there any other Nervous Nellies out there like me? :) Leave me a comment!