American Idol starts up...

So, this is the time of year my husband dreads the most. Maybe this is why he dislikes January so much. The start-up of American Idol. I feel less enchanted with it every year, but yet I get sucked into the vortex every single time. I don't pay much attention to auditions; those are just painful. But I like the Hollywood round. This is when it is down to below 200 contestants, and then the real action begins.

The second show every year during the Hollywood round is the infamous "group night." This is when the contestants bunch up into small groups to perform a song, and make each other miserable with their childish, atrocious antics. I am always watching eagerly, chilled box of Franzia at the ready.

So at this juncture, there are always a few special stand-out contestants; no, not those that can sing well, though there are those too, thankfully. These are the contestants that have personalities so awful we wish we could tuck them away in a corner and not deal with them until they start to stink. You know, personalities that are as appealing as ripe formaldehyde. Here are my top three:

(1) Bikini Girl. You have have heard of her already, unfortunately. She auditioned in Phoenix, yes, in a bikini. Randy and Simon could barely contain themselves at the judges table. The female judges, predictably, and understandably, despised her on sight. Her Hollywood run, though she is wearing more clothes, has not exactly added more content. This is a girl that thinks that she is really, REALLY hot stuff. It grates on your nerves like that awful cheese that smells like feet. She abandons her group early to go to bed, sleeps in, declares that she is too tired to possibly perform, and then re-shows up right before performance time wanting to know "what she's missed." A real winner here.

(2) Laughing Girl. No, not the cute gulls off the eastern coast of Florida. This is a person, and her laugh makes you want to slit your wrists with your broken wine glass. Usually, she applies aforementioned laugh after some annoying and/or lazy action, like switching groups whenever she darn well pleases and pissing people off at every turn, all the while expressing bewilderment at why everything is being blamed on her. We last saw her in a dress the color of snake skin, declaring "When you look this good on 2 hours sleep, you know you're good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH." I wish the camera guy had tripped her in her pointy shoes as she walked away.

(3) Effeminate Guy. I don't care that he is effeminate. But I have never seen someone more dramatic, male or female. He cries all the time and stomps away whenever his group disagrees about something (which is frequent). It makes me tired just watching him. That combined with his comment about his desire for music success "bursting out of his skin" really skeeves me out.

Annoying people aside, I will be watching Tuesday, wine glass clutched happily in my hand. I live for this stuff.